Of Closures and Heartaches

“I've never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. The pain is like an axe that chops my heart. ”
― Yann Martel, Life of Pi

Everyday is an internal struggle.

And IT IS HARD. 

On one hand I want to be as positive as I can but the other part of me keeps dragging me down. It's been months. To some it may seem stupid that I still have not moved on until now. Been claiming that am one hell of a strong woman but here I am, still crying myself to sleep almost every night, thinking what went wrong and what I did to deserve all this pain.

A happy outlook especially at times like this is extremely important. We need all the positivity we can get as it helps us to be healthy. As hard as I try, a part of me just won't allow me to. There are times when I always end up blaming and hating myself for what happened. I know I did everything I could and I still am pushing and taking my chances, even if it meant being on the receiving end of harsh words which I honestly feel I do not deserve.

You know you (yes, you) owe me an explanation for all these. It was not supposed to be this way. The last time we got to talk there were things which needed clarity and actions. But nothing. Not a simple explanation. Not even a word. And this is what makes it so hard to move on. Not to brag but I've always been an understanding person. Tell me anything. I might cringe at first but for sure I will get past it and move on. But turn your back on me without anything, that's just unfair. After all those years, after everything that we've been through. We're supposed to be better than this. I know you are better than that.

Am saying it again, it is hard. Honestly at times, I feel like giving up. But then again, I know that this too shall pass. Everything happens for a reason and for our good. Almost every gathering I hear this and am really grateful for the frequent reminder because it gives me hope and a reason to smile, a reason to fight and continue living my life for the people who are there for me. 

But still, thank you. Thank you for everything - for the friendship, for the memories and more importantly for the learnings. I know one way or the other I will still get something good out of this. Of course! That's what great minds do. They make awesome things from awful situations like this.